Saturday, April 6, 2013

KO and the Macca Board All-Stars (lovely story penned by MaccaMinx)

KO and the Macca Board All-Stars

Episode 1
maccaminx February 26th, 13:41

 Kathryn O. banged the ornamental gavel roughly on the
 equally-ornamental wooden table. Four people jumped in unison at the
 noise. The echo was almost as loud as the original gavel bang, but
 that was probably due to the location of the meeting: a cave 333 1/3
 feet below the surface of the earth. Secrecy was all-important in this

" I would like to call to order the first clandestine meeting of the
 Macca Board All-Stars," KO began.

Silence greeted this announcement. KO had expected wild cheering,
 wolf-whistling, or at least a meagre amount of applause. Instead, she
 was greeted with deafening silence. She looked into the faces of the
 four gathered around her at the rectangular table, and saw confusion
 on their faces.

"Clandestine means "secretive"," she clarified.

A chorus of "Oh"s and "Ah"s greeted this definition, which was then
 followed by the aforementioned applause KO had wished to receive.

"Now, let us do a roll call. I shall read your name from the Sacred
 List of Memberhood, and you shall respond, signifying that you are
 present." Then, just to make sure there wasn't a repeat of the earlier
 misunderstanding, she said, "I say your name, you let me know you're
 here." Nods from around the table.


"Yes, I am here, present, presented before you, oh great Kathryn O.!"
 Suzy replied.


A long sigh was uttered before her mouth opened to say, "I'm here, but
 what's the point? We'll all be dead soon."

"Yes, quite. Thank you. Girl who always replies in all capitals, even
 when she's not yelling?"


Kathryn O. checked the name off of the roster. "Girl who always draws
 out everything she says by adding too many letters to most words,
 followed by a string of exclamation points?"


Kathryn O. frowned slightly. "To save time, I'm going to call you
 Annoying Girl 1, and Annoying Girl 2. As you're both rather stupid,
 I'm not going to bother telling you which is which. You should both
 plan to answer every time I say Annoying Girl. Understood?"



Kathryn O. nodded. Finally, something was going right. But there was
 still one unanswered question. "You, the rather large man against the
 cave wall. Who are you?"

The man looked around, then realized he was the one being addressed.
 "Oh, hi. I'm Robert Gannon. I'm here to take photos."

"Who let you in? And how did you find out about this meeting?" Kathryn
 O. was not impressed by his presence.

"Well, I saw a listing for a Paul McCartney event, and so I flew right
 out and dug a tunnel through the mountain to get here. I go to all of
 Paul's events, you know, and take hundreds of photos that I then post
 to the internet."

Kathryn O. reclined a bit in her chair. "Isn't that a bit silly to not
 enjoy the event because you're...oh, never mind. Your intelligence
 level is obviously below mind, so I'm going to wave my hand
 dismissively at you and proceed with the meeting. Do whatever you
 want." This meeting wasn't quite going according to her plan, but she
 knew she could salvage it. After all, she was Kathryn O., Queen of
 Beatles Slash. She could do anything.

"All right, our first and only order of business is figuring out how
 to further destroy the Macca Board. Any questions? Yes, Suzy?"

"Umm, hi again. I was wondering what sort of refreshments you'd be
 serving. I mean, looking at both Annoying Girls, they're barely 5
 feet, 3 inches and 145 pounds. They obviously have some," she lowered
 her voice to a near-whisper, "weight issues. You know, anorexia?"

Both Annoying Girls would have been able to hear what Suzy was saying
 if they weren't so occupied with posing for Robert's camera. They were
 fighting over which of them would look cuter straddling the chair they
 were sitting in. Robert's camera finger hit the button more rapidly as
 the fighting increased.

Kathryn O. started to rethink the wisdom of starting her evil plan
 with the current group make up. She needed at least on more member.
 But who?

Episode 4
maccaminx March 20th, 9:36

Her pronouncement didn't cause a stir in the room as much as it caused
 a confused silence. KO was not unused to this silence, as it seemed to
 pop up whenever she talked to this group of, in her estimation, half

"Do none of you know anything, for God's sake?" she spat at the group.
 "Macca's Minxes! How have you not heard of them?"

"WHAT'S A MINX?" asked one of the Annoying Girls.

"Yyyyeeeaaahhh, wwwwhhhhhaaaatttt''''ssss aaaa...." started the other
 Annoying Girl.

"Shut up!" yelled Suzy. "Learn to speak in a normal fashion! Must you
 draw everything out like some sort of stuttering baboon with a speech

"Isn't Paul against minks?" asked GeorgeGoode who, as usual, had no
 clue what he was talking about.

Maccascruff released the handfuls of Audrey's hair she had been
 holding onto so she could look around the table to see if any of the
 other All-Stars were comprehending KO. Audrey's held fell to the solid
 rock floor with a loud thud.

"Do none of you read the reports I send you? The rebel group of
 boardies that has been using the vast power of facebook to hold
 unauthorized Macca Board discussions: Macca's Minxes. You're all so

SusylovesPaul had remained silent during this conversation, but KO
 couldn't help notice that a small, smug smirk had appeared on her
 enemy's face once KO had begun her speech. "And what do you have to
 offer, woman who can't correctly use Photo Shop to superimpose a
 picture of herself onto a picture of Paul?"

SusylovesPaul didn't answer KO, just started to tap her fingers on the
 table to the tune of "Band on the Run". Soon a gentle humming started
 from the Annoying Girls. Then GeorgeGoode stared up. Not being able to
 resist, the others, excluding KO of course, who was above that sort of
 mindless humming, were joining in. Even the semi-conscious Audrey was
 trying to keep tune to the classic, even though her hums were mostly
 muffled due to her lying face-down on the floor. This would have been
 a touching celebration of Macca's music if they weren't humming
 horribly off key. Or even in the same key.

KO let this go on for a generous 30 seconds before she pounded the
 gavel on the table, disrupting the spontaneous concert, albeit a cheap
 and poorly-attended concert.

"SusylovesPaul, I demand to know what you are grinning about! I am the
 supreme ruler of the All-Stars, of which you are a member. Therefore,
 by the powers invested in me by God himself, you owe me an answer! I
 am your intellectual superior! Answer me, peon!" KO was starting to
 show an ugly side of herself, which was hard to do given that she was
 such an unpleasant person on the inside and out. Plus she had that
 hump on her back. Yuck. Am I right?

SusylovesPaul let the moment drag on for a minute before she raised
 her eyes from the table and looked at KO. KO tried her hardest to
 stare down this upstart, but SusylovesPaul was feeling a moment of
 power over the group's leader. After all, SusylovesPaul had
 information that KO didn't, something that KO was not used to.

"Well..." began SusylovesPaul, "I know about the Minxes. Almost all of
 them are registered users of the Macca Board, with only a handful of
 them being regular posters. The others are mostly lurkers who only
 check in when Paul has upcoming concerts. The regular posters keep the
 others informed of our doings in the facebook group, Macca's Minxes."

SusylovesPaul's information was greeted by "Ooohs" and "Aaahs" from
 the rest of the All-Stars. KO looked around the room jealously. It was
 her speeches which should receive this sort of reception, not that
 dimwitted SusylovesPaul's. Hell, SusylovesPaul was too stupid to put
 spaces between the three words in her user name, for goodness sake!
 Why, then, was she getting attention lavished on her?

"All right, all right, settle down, minions," KO began in an effort to
 regain control of the meeting. "I have a plan to figure out how to
 hurt this group..."

"I already have," said SusylovesPaul, which worked to shut up KO,
 something that hadn't happened in, oh, ever. Knowing she had full
 control of the situation, SusylovesPaul waited until KO fully gathered
 that she was being outperformed by her nemesis, then SusylovesPaul
 continued. "I got one of their friends banned from the Macca Board."

Sharp gasps of shock and amazement were SusylovesPaul's reward. She
 ate up the attention the way she usually ate up carbohydrates and
 fatty foods.

" anyone get banished from the board?" Maccascruff
 asked. "Isn't the world enough of a festering boil?"

"You're missing the point, Depressing Debbie. One of their friends has
 been taken down. This is step one, people." SusylovesPaul wasn't yet
 ready to reveal how she had managed this feat. She wanted to drag her
 moment in the sun out a bit more.

"One time, when I flew to London in December, I waited outside Paul's
 home in St. John's Wood for six hours in the snow. And then, and then,
 he came out of the house, and he saw me, and he recognized me. Then,
 well then, he stared at me, like, forever, and then he started waving
 towards me, a lot. Then he started waving at a group of men on his
 lawn, but I knew he was really waving at me. Then, for some reason,
 the group of men who he'd been waving to tackled me and tased me. They
 said they were his security detail, but I know that Paul just wanted
 to hug me but he couldn't because Nancy was there. Security! Please!
 Paul and I are old friends, after all." Apparently Audrey had regained

"Any way," said KO, "One of you mental morons has done something good
 for a change. We've gotten to one of the people on the outskirts of
 the Minxes. Now the question is, what do we do next?"

"We?" asked SusylovesPaul. "I don't think any of you did anything.
 This was all me. Me, me, me. No we. Me."

KO rolled her off-centered eyes and weighed her options. She could
 throw SusylovesPaul a bone and acknowledge the fact that she'd
 actually done something good, or she could cut SusylovesPaul back down
 to size and regain control of group.

"Shut up, you silly tramp!" hissed KO. Apparently she had chosen option two.

"Wait, so what are we supposed to do about these Minx people?" asked

"Oh, you just wait, I have a plan," said SusylovesPaul. "I have a plan..."

 maccaminx March 20th, 10:44

 The tension in the room had been building for a few minutes. Everyone
 in the room was aware that there was a power struggle occurring before
 there eyes. The power struggle was impressive, but the fact that these
 oblivious internet posters were aware of something beyond their noses
 was even more awe-inspiring.

SusylovesPaul and KO were slowly sitting up to their full heights,
 almost mimicking two cats who are getting ready to square off.
 SusylovesPaul had the definite advantage because she wasn't the one
 with a massive hump on her back.

"Okay, dullards, let's figure this out. We have a task before us: Take
 down the boards, while also focusing our attention on these
 so-called Macca's Minxes on facebook. Where do we begin? Oh, why am I
 asking you lot? You're a bunch of imbeciles who aren't intelligent
 enough to use apostrophes in the corect places. Don't look at me like
 that, I can read your posts, I see you're ignorant of grammar rules."
 KO continued to keep her posture upright while also trying to give
 each person sitting around the table the evil eye. She managed to keep
 her balance even though her back hump was trying to throw off her
 equilibrium. Unfortunately, she literally fell out of her chair at the
 news SusylovesPaul delivered next.

"I've already taken care of number one," SusylovesPaul stated.

"WWWWHHHHAAAATTTTT????!!!!" You'd think this came from one of the
 Annyoying Girls, wouldn't you? No, not this time. No, this came from
 everyone else at the table, including KO. The Annoying Girls didn't
 join in because they had each swallowed their own tongues.

"Yes, that's right. I've managed to take down the boards, in
 addition to, oh, his entire website. Yup. That was me. This girl.
 Right here." She uttered the last two sentences in a sing-song voice
 while pointing her thumbs at herself, just in case anyone coudn't hear
 her giving herself credit for this act of internet espionage.

"" KO sputtered.

"How did I take down the website of the only remaining Beatle? I mean,
 one of the only remaining Beatles? You'll find out, just not right
 now. When it suits me, I will inform you, all of you, of how I managed
 this feat. In the meantime, be aware, Kathyn O'Connor, that your days
 as head of the Macca Board All-Stars are numbered."

In response to KO's gasp, SusylovesPaul responded with, "Are you
 gasping at me knowing your name, or my telling you I'm taking you down
 as our leader? I want to know which comeback to give, but I can't
 quite tell..."

"I think a little of both, actually. At first, it was the name thing,
 but then it was about you taking over," KO responded.

"Oh, okay. Thanks for clearing that up. In that case, I'll give you
 both of them. Comeback number one: You'd be surprised, Ms. O'Connor,
 at what I know about you. Comeback number two: That's right, get ready
 to be bounced back into minion status. It's SusylovesPaul's time to
 shine! That would have been more effective if I didn't have to lump
 them both together, mind you. I even had a plan to get up dramatically
 from the table and storm imeriously out of the room, but, well, the
 effect is ruined now. Sorry about that. I guess I'll just leave now,
 but remember that I'll be back. I mean," throat clearing sounds, "I'll
 be back!" With that, SusylovesPaul did her best to imperiously storm
 out of the room, but she wound up tripping over Audrey who, for some
 odd reason, was still lying on the floor. As we all know, it's hard to
 recover any ounce of respect after you've tripped in public, so
 SusylovesPaul just wound up blushing furiously, then walking quickly
 out of the cave.

"Why didn't we just focus on taking down Ringo and his boards? You
 know, start with an easy job, then work our way up? Wouldn't that have
 made more sense?" asked GeorgeGoode.

"Because, if all eight of us had joined Ringo's board, we'd have
 increased his fan base by six people, you talking pile of meat. The
 goal is to take down the board, not increase its popularity! Now shut
 up and let me think," snapped KO. This meeting had not gone as she'd
 planned, not at all. She'd hoped to have this group of brainless
 boardies eating out of the palm of her hand by now. Instead, she'd
 come to realize how useless this crew actually was. And now
 SusylovesPaul was rising up, trying to jump ranks. Dammit! She needed
 to prove that she, KO, was the only obvious choice as leader of this
 Macca insurrection. To do that, she'd need to take down the Minxes by
 herself. Hell, SusylovesPaul had already struck at them by getting one
 of their friends banned from the boards. How had she done that? No,
 she thought, there's time to figure that out later. For now, she had
 to focus her attention on the Minxes.

"Oh, those Minxes are in for it," she whispered to herself. "Oh my, yes."


  1. OH! My sides are hurting! I loved this! OH HOHOHO! You guys have made my day!

  2. Thank you for this!

    Wonderful and sure fits that troll to a T!